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03 August, 2021

FiSh’s Diary: 500 Days and More…


MCO: 18.03.2020 - 03.05.2020 (47 days)
CMCO: 04.05.2020 - 09.06.2020 (37 days)
RMCO: 10.06.2020 - 13.10.2020 (126 days)
CMCO: 14.10.2020 - 12.01.2021 (91 days)
MCO 2.0: 13.01.2021 - 04.03.2021 (51 days)
CMCO 2.0: 05.03.2021 - 06.05.2021 (63 days)
MCO 3.0: 07.05.2021 - 31.05.2021 (25 days)
FMCO: 01.06.2021 - 02.07.2021 (32 days)
EMCO: 03.07.2021 - 16.07.2021 (14 days)
National Recovery Plan Phase 1: 17.07.2021 until further notice


I don't know where to start.
This is not my usual quarterly or yearly update.
Just wanted to pen down the mixed feelings I have been bottling up in my heart.

So it feels like it has been forever since the implementation of MCO. We have all been walking along the dark tunnel, hoping to see some lights at the end of the tunnel, thinking that we are going the right direction. Now that it seems the path in front of us is getting dimmer and we are nowhere near the end point. After 500 days of fight, we are tired. The struggle is real.

The bright side of me has been telling myself:

Look how blessed you are,
Your family and you are safe and healthy,
You have a job, you have a constant stream of income,
You are free from monetary worries and relationship abuse.
You are way luckier than many people out there.

Yes, indeed. I am thankful. Really.
But this self-healing therapy session is not enough.

❤ ❤ 

Personally, I have been feeling really lethargic these days. Waking up feeling sleepy every morning, being unable to focus over an extended period of time, jumping into the habit of snacking and almost stress-eating, feeling low in energy during midday, yet opening my eyes wide when it comes to bedtime. Such a feeling of lethargy is not something that sleep can cure. It has already gone beyond "get-your-sleep-and-you-will-feel-better-tomorrow". Almost every other night I dream about work - a subconscious reflection of the unlimited expectations built around me. 

I start to have the thirst for a sense of accomplishment to fill up that "empty space" everyday, to keep life meaningful rather than living a day after another without knowing the purpose of the next day.

The domino effect in the society is real. The country's bearish economy would mean slow businesses, and that in turn makes people even hungry for money and opportunities. The pressure from these businessmen is then passed on to slaves like myself, where we are expected to put in extra hours to churn out more money or to merely keep the businesses afloat.

The already blurred line between work and leisure hours is almost vanishing. People are constantly sticking their face in front of the laptops, and phone calls can happen at any hour, any day as they wish. It is explicitly mentioned that there should be a cut-off time set everyday, so we can respect each other's personal time. But it is also of our unspoken understanding that there is no daily cut-off time as promised. If everyone could practise some respect and care, we could imagine how our little effort would save others from falling into the pit of burnouts. 

Well, sometimes, I enjoy working past midnight, but only on things that I love. I love how clients tell me, "We love your photos. Thank you for putting that extra effort to do this" - that really warms my heart and keeps me going. Thank you for showing me some love and appreciation because that means alot to me :)
A weekend well spent is probably a baking day! 

What keeps me sane amidst the insanity surrounding the political landscape and pandemic situation here is my new hobby - baking. I find it soul healing sometimes, especially when I get to see my family enjoying the sweet treats I bake for them. Fluffy soft cheesecakes and jiggly cheese tarts are amongst my most favourite bakes so far. 

I try my best to continue this baking therapy at least once a fortnight, or every week if possible. Scones, brownies, honey butter biscuits are some of the newer creations I have in the last couple of weeks, after a long break from the CNY cookie baking. To my surprise, I can easily immerse myself into baking or watching baking videos for hours without feeling distracted or bored. It helps tremendously in lifting up the mood and filling the heart with a sense of accomplishment. I'd definitely love to challenge more complicated recipes soon!

And hey, on the bright side, I am fully vaccinated now! Got two doses of AstraZeneca on 31 May and 2 August and I'd think I feel my body is now more protected and guarded in some way although achieving herd immunity as a nation is still a long journey to go. Nevertheless, I will continue to stay home until the day we can step out onto the streets without feeling vulnerable. 

As much as I wanted to say "Hope things will get better soon", I must admit that I personally don't see any lights at the end of the tunnel. Let's just live one day at a time, don't waste time worrying about the unknown future. Learn to be at present, and live a life in this very moment. 

Thank you God for showering me with lots of love and blessing thus far.

❤ ❤ 


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