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09 May, 2021

FiSh's Diary: It's Mid-2021

Hi! ❤ I am back with another super duper long personal post (suddenly feeling so motivated to pen down something raw and detailed about my personal life since MCO 1.0 on 18 March 2020 until MCO 3.0 which we are currently stuck at).

Now that I checked back my old posts, I realised my last personal post was about my thoughts on MCO 1.0 back in April 2020 and my baking diary (something I was glad that I learned last year). To my surprise, I did not do any summary-of-the-year for 2020 which I never fail to do for the past many many years to recap the key happenings of each month of that particular year.  

You can see here for the previous years:


I know it's already 5 months past 2021, but now that I finally muster my courage, sit down and think about the path I have taken throughout 2020 - the details of each event, the people and the career I have been spending most of my time and effort on. Frankly, 2020 feels like a wasted year. Don't get me wrong here, I am of course very thankful and truly appreciate all the opportunities that came along in the social media line - thank you for the continuous support and shower of gifts such as beauty products, haircare, fragrances, accessories, fashion items, hotel sponsors, food deliveries, etc. Really thank you because all these kept me going and motivated to continue doing what I have been persistent with over the years. ❤ 

2020 being a wasted year is beyond that. Partly because of the pandemic as everyone became extra cautious with each decision and kinda stayed stagnant to watch how the situation went. Little did I know, I was the main culprit of having wasted my entire year avoiding making decisions, avoiding unspoken conflicts that may reveal the dark truth, and ultimately avoiding being brutally honest to myself.

Career, on its own, is a killer (in some good ways tho), consuming the biggest chunk of my time every weekday weeknight (and sometimes weekend too). But I treat it as an investment to myself because it is in the midst of leading me somewhere brighter and better. And I am glad to have very kind superiors and colleagues whom I constantly seek feedback from, in the search for consistent improvements over time. Of course, people do get tired but if you are tired yet you want to continue the journey, then fight with all the energy you have :'). I may not excel in areas that some people are naturally good at, but I believe I can excel in areas that I know I have potentials in. Thank you to the person who has spent 5 years giving me close guidance and building my character to become who I am today.

Other than the fulfilling career, the rest of the time was an internal struggle to me. While others were being demotivated due to the whole MCO thingy, I was secretly happy that I had the room to escape from doing things I was unhappy about, to meet other people's expectations and to become a person that I don't recognise being myself. To that extent I wished MCO would continue to stay on. 

At this very point when I think about it, I find myself so naive back then when I thought "things would eventually get better when xxx happen or when xxx is there". Well, I must admit that it was a mere avoidance because I thought tolerance would bring improvements to the whole situation until I realised I have tolerated to the extent that I have lost my true self.

"Don't love others too much that you forgot to love yourself ."

I still couldn't believe that my loyal companion was the late night tears over the past 1.5 years until I finally decided to remove the greatest toxicity from my life at the 1-year-and-8-month mark. Wow. How did I manage to do that, seriously?

I learned a great lesson. It is so easy for someone to say "I will always be there for you" simply because that person expects you to. But when you face struggles in life, one after another, that person is only there to break promises. Well, self-centred people will only stay away when I need a pair of ears, not to mention a helping hand. Putting an end to it simply meant a halt to all the emotional blackmails and narcissism. Too much time wasted on unmeaningful people in life, and too little time spent on important family and good friends in life. Anyway, the past had passed and I am glad to become me once again, to regain the friendships I had once lost, etc.

Now that I am in good hands, well taken care of. No obligations. No guilt. No emotional games. Initially it sounded funny when I was told that I need to learn to be loved and appreciated, without feeling uncomfortable for being treated well. But yeah, now I understand why I should be confident and trust that I deserve it. 

Everyone deserves to be loved and appreciated.
When you get what you deserve, cherish it :)

It is already May 2021, I have 7 months to go towards the road of fabulous 30. Not every journey in life will be smooth sailing, but hopefully every path taken will be filled with a little more love, warmth and luck.

Signing off,
FiSh @ 9 May 2021

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